To understand now, requires one to understand then. Evaluating 33 years of life is not easy. But that's what I have been doing.
My school years were spent almost a full year and a half younger than my classmates. This led to a lot of problems for a lot of years for me.
I learned at a young age that I feel things very deeply. I learned to protect my heart after it was hurt many many times.
I learned to be more mature than my age in effort to try and fit where I didn't. I never fit. Then I decided I didn't want to fit. Fuck everyone. I was different and I knew it. I had teenage rebellion... But it was a different kind. I rebelled against other teenagers. I didn't drink, smoke, sneak out of the house. I did stuff.... Just my way. On my terms.
But with my heart, I made the same mistakes again. It got me hurt again, in a different way. I shut down again.
After being held up at gun point twice in less than a year at 2 different jobs. I really shut down. Dropped out of college.Concentrated on working. Now when I look back, I see I stopped living life.
It was quiet and lonely for many years. Friends came and went. Soon I just gave up. Nobody got ME.
Something happened the year I turned 30. I also got pregnant. Something changed inside me. Maybe it was the hormones. The post baby depression that nearly consumed me after wards... But there was a change. I longed for understanding and passion and to LIVE. I thought, no, I know I found it. Suddenly I WANTED it. Needed it. I stopped living the "safe" path and discovered rebellion again. I rebelled against this notion that life is over once you have kids. I rebelled over this role I was expected to assume. "Work, Take care of child, house, Sleep & repeat" That post baby depression made me weak. It took long lonely months to come back from it. I didn't have the strength I did in high school to do what I needed to do. So I suffered.
There were times the suffering wasn't all consuming. Those times helped me grow again. A little at a time. My moments of light. That, none of it, was about rebellion. Then I lost my job last year. It was devastating. And then the pressure was unbearable. I got a new job. The pressure didn't let up. I couldn't function. So, I gave it 8 months.
And here I am. Fumbling around. Taking risks left and right like its nothing. One risk involved my heart again. So far... the jury is still out. But I am currently hurt.
I punished myself over and over for an extended period. (still do sometimes.) For what I viewed as my failures and flaws. My self esteem goes from good to dust. I feel invincible one day and ready to crumble the next. Personally, I should get a medal in personal torment. I am epically good at it. I am sure I know where the future could take me. But I am taking the biggest risk ever to find out. I'm hurt, but somehow I am still flinging myself forward into the unknown. I am scared. But I am not stopping. I am not giving up. I could end up alone. But I have reached a cross roads in life where I can walk either alone or be unhappy. I think I am OK with walking alone.
Because I get to be me. I hope that then... happiness will find me. Again.
I have to now balance life, work, being a good mother and finding happiness. I hurt people and pushed people away when I hated too. I hurt myself (metaphorically speaking) but its better to have tried, than to watch chance pass you by. I have let way too many of them do that already. I make sacrifices to cause as little disruption to my child as possible.
Instead of shutting down, I am trying to be more careful with my heart. I had to quiet it again. put away feelings so deep and rooted... I have to believe there is true love out there for everyone. That when it happens, its easy, it works. Just.. IS. I have seen it. It does exists.
I have to believe that even though I am different, there is someone out there different enough to love all of me.
We will see how this goes.