For your reading pleasure....A Classic Rant

I've decided that since CSIL has been causing drama around here lately, I would dust off an old rant I wrote before the existence of this blog... Its from April 2008 I was very angry the day I wrote this. It's long.... but funny.

BTW, all curse words are in play. I'm to lazy to change a damn thing

April 2008
Let me preface this rant by saying this. She is a drama queen. She is the queen of the drama queens. Drama Queens aspire to be this good. And today she stunk like a rum bottle. For the rest of this rant she will be called Crazy Ass Sister In Law or CSIL

So, the crazy ass sister in law called a "family meeting" this week. I thought to myself. "great. what have we (or anyone) done to her this time." HA! Little did I know what was in store.... I leave straight from work to go there. My husband picks me up from the bus stop. Everyone is there except her. We wait. For 40 minutes until she shows up. Remember ladies and gentlemen, CSIL *called* for this fucking thing. And she is staggering! (WHOOO!!) She is half crying already. I am thinking. "OK maybe she is sick" Oh, how that was an understatement of the century.

She starts directing people to stand or sit in a particular spot. She says: "Your all going to think I am crazy, and I don’t know if Dad has come to you, but he has come to me for the last month and he has messages for all of you." An I thought (in the words of the great Lewis Black) "WHAT the Fuck!?"

She now proceeds to say she will speak but it won’t her speaking (who the fuck is talking then??) and when its done we all have to go to the living room and she won’t remember this. (Of course not, that's why it’s called black out drunk) I am standing here wondering what episode of punk’d I walked into and how do I get out.

She starts the.... "channeling" of her dead (for over a year) father. (Are you fucking kidding me?) His "messages" to her 2 kids are things a mother should have been teaching her daughters years ago. Daughter 1 doesn’t want to go stand next to her mother because she has just realized that her mother is a fucking mental case. CSIL commands her: "He is getting angry, come over here." (WAIT! The enlightened, heavenly ghost of father past is getting pissed cause she doesn’t want to stand in a certain spot??!!!!) I don’t make it to the second kid. I am ready to bust out laughing at this absurd charade, so I leave the room and go to the (final destination) living room to play with my kid, who I haven’t seen all day.

This load of crap goes on for an hour! AN HOUR! She spends no more than 10 min giving "messages" to her own kids that she can’t get along with cause she needs PROZAC! Then I am commanded to bring Julia to the undead one so that she can give my husband his message of bullshit.

And yes, it is total BULLSHIT. (TV Psychics do better than this crap) He is sorry to have had such a short time with my daughter before he died. (Listen bitch, he has alot of other shit he needs to be sorry for and that’s not it) He wants my husband to stay on the path to recovery. (MS IS NOT CURABLE YOU MORON!) This is all the wisdom to be imparted on us because apparently she didn’t rehearse this part as much. (5 minutes. He is coming back from the dead and this is IT!?) I take my kid and leave the room before I back-hand her in the head.

At this point, I miss the messages for the other 2 brothers, because there are 3 kids under 3 years old in the (final destination) living room, that not a single person is paying attention to. 1 is mine. When I was able to get back to the doorway, I listen for the next 25 minutes about her. CSIL is referring to her self in the 3rd person and pretending to be in a trance. (A fucking trance... I can’t stand it.)

(Remember this is the undead one talking THRU HER) CSIL goes on to talk about herself, first saying she has no friends and can’t make friends because the undead one checked on her too much as a teenager, he is so sorry. (HEY my stepfather STALKED ME in high school, and I was a good kid! But I have no trouble making friends!) Later she contradicts the earlier statement by claiming the undead one is sorry for paying more attention to his biological sons and apparently this is why she doesn’t have friends. (WHAT?) She doesn’t know her bio-dad, she feels he rejected her (BOO fucking HOO. She never met the guy. EVER. My husband's father had always been there.) Then the undead one says "now she feels rejected because I left too" (WHAT? He died! I am sorry, how is his dying of a heart attack a rejection of her!!)

My brain is starting to feel like its gonna explode as the CSIL begins to unknowingly reveal that this is all a ploy to manipulate us in to feeling guilty or pity or something for her. I am just pissed off. His dying was not about her! And nothing she says is new information. There is not one single thing that is an intimate detail to make me believe that she had been talking to her dead father for a month. (That is just how long it took to practice the fake seance and plan) At one point the undead father (she) starts complaining that his ashes are still in the house. (Really? SRSLY? He cares that much about it?)

I can see on their faces that nobody is buying this thing anymore. At least I hope not anyway. Not after a 25 minute "message" about how hard her life is on her (anti-social ass) and how we need to love her (or something). My husband writes "crazy" on a mini Magna-doodle. I have to leave. I am literally at the point that if we don’t leave, I am going to cause serious trouble. Thankfully, Julia has had enough and we get the fuck out of there as its wrapping up (I missed the end cause I needed a potty break.)

Apparently, the undead one commanded CSIL to go in to the (final destination) living room and lay on the sofa where he died and do.... something. I think she passed out. And daughter 1 says "what are we supposed to do with her now?" (GOOD FUCKING QUESTION!!)

I spent the rest of the evening ranting about this crap, because holding it all in for an hour was a lot of FUCKING work. I have some Prozac left over from my post-baby depression. I think I should give the happy pills to her. (Here, take 2!!) She needs help. WHY oh WHY, would the undead father not "talk" to his wife he "loved so much" ?!!? She would be the more likely person. I mean, if I am gonna haunt someone cause I need to get a message across, I am gonna pick my sister or mom or my husband over anyone else. srsly.

To use a dead relative to manipulate people, complain and try to boss people around by telling them what you think they should be doing, is just fuckin ignorant. And rude. And WRONG. It makes me so so pissed off. Write a letter, talk to your mother in private, talk to a mental health professional, but don’t pretend you can channel dead spirits and ruin my afternoon by wasting my time as well as everyone else involved. Fuckin crazy ass....

What I have learned..... and other shit

I am sorry for going so long between posts... It just has not been in the cards for me...

What I have learned:
Even though i wear my contacts 355 days a year, (I know! Bad bad... but I am practically blind and life is much easier this way.) Sleeping in contacts while being attacked by a wicked sinus cold is a BAD thing. So bad that I scratched my right eye and irritated the shit out of my left eye. I haven't worn glasses in FOREVER and when I pulled them out... I vowed to live with wearing 1 contact and just suffering. Anything to keep from looking like Harry Potter's sister. Srsly. As I write this, I still only have 1 contact in, but my eyes are not a new shade of red anymore... thank goodness.
I am hoping in the next couple days my eyeballs will stop hating me and my F&%$ing Halloween cold will clear the rest of the way out....

What I have learned:
That 7 weeks of classroom training still doesn't prepare you for the brain explosion of taking calls alone (sorta). All the shit you learned now needs to be more than just theory.... and that's a challenge in my new line of work...

What I have learned:
No matter what I try, my almost 3 year old kid refuses to stay potty trained. She will do it for my mom and sorta for me, but not at all for her daddy. She KNOWS. She just refuses, so if you got tips, tricks, ANYTHING, please share. I need HELP.

What I have learned:
That there is a real life Dennie the Menace and he has moved for a 40 acre farm in Virgina to 2 houses down from me. And while he appears to be destruction with feet, its my neighbor I feel for. He has become the unwitting "Mr Wilson" stuck in the role of giving the kid juice boxes to go away when he is working in the garage, dealing with him climbing and hitting the metal fence between the yards, and other annoying shit...
His dad is trying to adapt, but this is the city and your kid is 7. You just cant send him outside and NOT check on him for HOURS. SRSLY.

I'm gonna rest my eyeballs now.

Penn DOT and Asshole Drivers

Penn DOT seems to be on a mission to piss me off. It's working. Now that I work for New Employer, I have to travel up 279 and 79. Two recent Friday afternoons we got stuck in traffic for miles going home. Why? I'll tell you why. Cause even though it was POURING rain both Friday's....
They decided to patch concrete.
Starting at 5PM on a FRIDAY EVENING.
5!!! Hello!!! You got bright f&%$ing lights, cant you start... I don't know... AFTER rush hour? Like 7??? What makes it worse is that the only concrete on 279 is on bridges, but they have it down to 1 lane from the 79 (aka The Highway that will NEVER be done) split to well past Camp Horne rd On Ramp. For 1 bridge that is closer to the Camp Horne ramps. Really? you need ALL that blocked? SRSLY?

Well it turns out that now they want to do this NIGHTLY. But starting a 6. OK. Fine. Except I had to stay till 630 for a work function tonight. It was bad enough that traffic was backed up for about 2 miles on 79 because Penn DOT workers felt the lane block needed to start 7 miles before the actual work site. (assholes)
Somehow, an ASSHOLE in a black Cadillac Escalade got in front of us. The driver had me so pissed off that I was about to call the police and report them for reckless driving. And I wasn't even driving. My husband was.
First, he/she cut us off to get in front of us at the merge point, then the SUV was weaving between the single lane and the shoulder of the highway. The driver would speed up and then slam on the breaks, causing us to do the same on several occasions. I thought about 10 times we were going to hit the caddy or be hit from behind. I also speculated that the driver was trying to cause an accident. At one point on 279, the SUV slowed down to about 30 mph, started riding the middle of the shoulder and lane. There was enough room for 3 semi's to fit between the SUV and the car in front of it. He/she hit their breaks for no reason and we almost plowed in to it. When we finally reached the area where actual work was happening, the asshole driver nearly STOPPED TO LOOK! At construction workers?! Then the ass floored it out of the work zone, which was only 1/2 a mile longer amazingly enough.

I am sure I dropped every swear word I know during that time. Thank goodness Julia was not there. There was another section of blocked lane and I could see the asshole 10 cars in front of us, still driving erratically. I was relieved when we got of of the work area. Relieved.

So, Penn Dot Do me a damn favor and really decide if you need 15 miles of highway blocked off for 1 bridge. I don't think I can take another asshole in front of me like that. The Friday work? Can't you start that later? Damn. People want to get the f&%$ home from work ya know....

Miss Unorganized n stuff...

Since starting my new job- I have just been a hawt mess when it comes to blogging. If it makes you feel any better... I have around 300 pictures that need organized into their folders and some uploaded to Julia's photo album.... And that is probably not happening tonight. But I am posting. So, I did half of what I wanted..... I kinda wish my laptop wasn't so big cause i would totally blog on my lunch at work since I have an hour. oh well...

In the meantime, feel free to follow me on twitter cause I post there frequently. My Name is @rantpittsburgh. All spammers will be blocked. I promise.

Chapter 2 Of Baltimore
Music has been sent away from our training class because Baltimore can't shut the hell up. Her singing is dreadfully annoying. Not paying attention in class has already come back to bite her. When we took our first calls, she nearly blew it. She was also scheduling cruises for February. Which would be fine, except we aren't allowed to used our first vacation days until March. I swear to god I heard her ask the travel agency if she needed a passport for Miami. MIAMI! She also ducked out of class to take non urgent phone calls. Wonderful. How the hell did she make it by the interviewers, I will never know. But I doubt she will make it 6 months. The bitch doesn't take her job seriously. At All.

I have to say, I really enjoyed watching Mr. I-cant-pronounce-my-name-right losing to our Steelers today. Despite Special Teams needing an NCIS Style smack upside the back of their collective heads for letting that Viking run all the way back for a touchdown on the kickoff. We are better than that! Damn it.

So, no stupid news tonight. Maybe tomorrow. I have pics to get in order....

Stupid Hall of Fame: October

I love to showcase the fact the some people should never be allowed to drink on this blog. Its been a while since we had a SHoF Post... so enjoy:

From my favorite site MSNBC:

Cops: Drunk 21-year-old steals ambulance

LAWRENCE, Kan. - Police in the Kansas college town of Lawrence say they
have arrested a 21-year-old man who stole an ambulance to get home after a night
of drinking.

Apparently, there wasn't a tractor or a cab or ANY OTHER vehicle near by. Walking was just out of the question.

Lawrence Police Sgt. Susan Hadl says the ambulance crew parked it early
Sunday while responding to a medical emergency in an area filled with bars
and specialty shops. Hadl says the man was intoxicated and believed he had no other way home.

Nice. Steal the ambulance when its needed most. That's a WIN. Clearly the kid either had too much to drink or was just incredibly dumb. In either case- he is still a loser.

From the Stupid Criminal Files over at Yahoo Odd News:

Police say newlyweds robbed chapel after wedding

SEVIERVILLE, Tenn. – Police said two Campbell County newlyweds were arrested on their wedding night for burglarizing the Sevierville chapel where they were married.

WATE-TV reported that Brian Dykes and Mindy McGhee were married Wednesday at the Angel's View Wedding Chapel at the Black Bear Ridge Resort. Following the wedding, the couple rented a cabin at the resort. According to the Sevier County Sheriff, an employee noticed the couple's car back outside the chapel around 1 a.m. and lockbox with cash was missing.

Deputies found the couple at a restaurant, where they confessed and turned over the missing $500. They are being held in jail on bonds of $10,000.

Sooooo, maybe robbing a church is a BAD BAD idea. First, its a CHURCH. Second, its a CHURCH. Exactly how much cash did they think they were gonna get? Really? This isn't a BANK! You needed to stay in the resort THAT BAD?

Which one of those idiots came up with the idea and which one agreed to it? Srsly? Two idiots made for each other right there. And the best part? $10,000 bond on a $500 theft. KARMA. Happy honeymoon, you morons.

And Finally...This woman... Well, lets just say some people should not have kids and this is why:

Police: Girl, 13, rode in cardboard box atop van
Mom allegedly said that's OK — coat hanger held it down

I am not making that shit up! She totally wins the Worst Parent of the Month Award for October.

ALBERTVILLE, Ala. - A woman has been charged with endangering the welfare of a child after she let her daughter ride in a cardboard box on top of their van, police said.
Albertville Police spokesman Sgt. Jamie Smith said the 37-year-old Alabama woman was arrested Sunday after police received a call about a minivan on a state highway with a child riding on top, The Huntsville Times reported.

Smith said the woman told police the box was too big to go inside the van, and that her daughter was inside the box to hold it down. Smith said the mother told officers it was safe because she had the box secured to the van with a clothes hanger.

The 13-year-old daughter wasn't harmed and was turned over to a relative. A jail worker said the mother was out on bond Monday.

THE STATE HIGHWAY?? WTF?! Are you serious? Their highway speed is what? 75? Thank God Mom used a f&%$ing COAT HANGER to hold it down! Yes. Read that again in case your head didn't explode the first time. I'll help you:

Smith said the mother told officers it was safe because she had the box secured to the van with a clothes hanger.

If the f&%$ing box was SO secure-- WHY in the hell was her kid RIDING in it??? Your honor? I motion that this mother never be allowed to reproduce again. Her Stupid Genes will kill off humanity if we allow it to spread further.

Go pick your brains up from all over the floor now.