I have a headache....

I could rant about many things.... the parking bullshit, the bus bullshit that makes the parking shit worse, the bullshit of my wireless mouse not working.

I dont think it matters what I say.

Maybe it is the full moon making me so *off* right now. Maybe it is the lack of something I need. Maybe its just wanting to be heard, just wanting to say things that matter to someone.

I didnt start this blog because I wanted to be famous, or popular. I have no ads, no major clubs/networks on here, Its just me.

I just wanted to feel connected to something, To not be so disconnected from life so damn much. The last few months have been pretty shitty... with some highlights... As I try to find the path, or make my own. I just wonder if there is light at the end of the road. If I will ever find what I seek.

Yet here I am. Still slightly off. Out of sync with the world. Realizing at some point in this road, I started to really care if people read this... I know now I probably have less than 100 readers.

I have been blogging for almost 2 years. August 7 will be my 2 yr anniversary for this site. I will keep blogging. Even if only 3 people read it. It's really for me. 

I can't wait for my vacation in september. I wish I could afford a hotel for a week and take julia and just get away from *all* of life for a week. But, I'm not rich. So, maybe we will just go north for that week. I can sorta hide there. Right?

Introspection

To understand now, requires one to understand then. Evaluating 33 years of life is not easy. But that's what I have been doing.

My school years were spent almost a full year and a half younger than my classmates. This led to a lot of problems for a lot of years for me.

I learned at a young age that I feel things very deeply. I learned to protect my heart after it was hurt many many times.

I learned to be more mature than my age in effort to try and fit where I didn't. I never fit. Then I decided I didn't want to fit. Fuck everyone. I was different and I knew it. I had teenage rebellion... But it was a different kind. I rebelled against other teenagers. I didn't drink, smoke, sneak out of the house. I did stuff.... Just my way. On my terms.

But with my heart, I made the same mistakes again. It got me hurt again, in a different way. I shut down again.

After being held up at gun point twice in less than a year at 2 different jobs. I really shut down. Dropped out of college.Concentrated on working. Now when I look back, I see I stopped living life.
It was quiet and lonely for many years. Friends came and went. Soon I just gave up. Nobody got ME.

Something happened the year I turned 30. I also got pregnant. Something changed inside me. Maybe it was the hormones. The post baby depression that nearly consumed me after wards... But there was a change. I longed for understanding and passion and to LIVE. I thought, no, I know I found it. Suddenly I WANTED it. Needed it. I stopped living the "safe" path and discovered rebellion again. I rebelled against this notion that life is over once you have kids. I rebelled over this role I was expected to assume. "Work, Take care of child, house, Sleep & repeat" That post baby depression made me weak. It took long lonely months to come back from it. I didn't have the strength I did in high school to do what I needed to do. So I suffered.

There were times the suffering wasn't all consuming. Those times helped me grow again. A little at a time. My moments of light. That, none of it, was about rebellion. Then I lost my job last year. It was devastating. And then the pressure was unbearable. I got a new job. The pressure didn't let up. I couldn't function. So, I gave it 8 months.

And here I am. Fumbling around. Taking risks left and right like its nothing. One risk involved my heart again. So far... the jury is still out. But I am currently hurt.

I punished myself over and over for an extended period. (still do sometimes.) For what I viewed as my failures and flaws. My self esteem goes from good to dust. I feel invincible one day and ready to crumble the next. Personally, I should get a medal in personal torment. I am epically good at it. I am sure I know where the future could take me. But I am taking the biggest risk ever to find out. I'm hurt, but somehow I am still flinging myself forward into the unknown. I am scared. But I am not stopping. I am not giving up. I could end up alone. But I have reached a cross roads in life where I can walk either alone or be unhappy. I think I am OK with walking alone.

Because I get to be me. I hope that then... happiness will find me. Again.

I have to now balance life, work, being a good mother and finding happiness. I hurt people and pushed people away when I hated too. I hurt myself (metaphorically speaking) but its better to have tried, than to watch chance pass you by. I have let way too many of them do that already. I make sacrifices to cause as little disruption to my child as possible.

Instead of shutting down, I am trying to be more careful with my heart. I had to quiet it again. put away feelings so deep and rooted... I have to believe there is true love out there for everyone. That when it happens, its easy, it works. Just.. IS. I have seen it. It does exists.

I have to believe that even though I am different, there is someone out there different enough to love all of me.

We will see how this goes.

What a damn day.... It's a long rant.

I need to bitch. You know that's what you come to see... Me. Bitching.

It started with me needing to pick up a book at the library. Today was the last hold day. And the Blvd is always busy that time of day. On my way up I realized I didn't eat and I didn't have my sunglasses... Bad. Bad.
So, I zoom up to cvs first and grab a pair of sunglasses. (If I find them, mine other ones are bent anyway. I never spend more then $20 cause I am HARD on sunglasses) and a pasta bowl thing.

I get stuck in line.

I zoom the block to the library, practically run inside, run back out and jump in the car.

I get stuck in slow moving traffic.

I get past it and get down to 51. And head toward the (Swiss) Liberty Tunnels (of cheese walls) As I am the left lane, I intend to stay in the middle (matching) lane exit off 51 just exactly like the guy in front of me.

I get flipped off and almost wreaked into by Asshole in the right lane who assumed I was going to the far left to turn up west liberty. Slam on the breaks and slide to the right behind the guy as we switch lanes. So I can avoid him wreaking my freaking car.

Only to embark on the more common, but wholly irritating and SLOW, dungeon drive. The inbound tunnel lights are filthy and most of the reflective paint gone because they are redoing the inside wall. The dark freaks morons out and they do 30. If that, In the damn tunnel.  This continues across the bridge as the same Asshole now cuts off a driver, 2 cars in front of me to get BACK INTO RIGHT LANE.

*headsteeringwheel* The lack of food and considerably shortened my temper at this point.

This shit continues up crosstown blvd. And when I finally get around some of the morons, I head for the 279  ramp only to discover the newest annoying trend. Slowing down to 40 to get ON THE HIGHWAY. 

Around Westview, I catch up wit a dumb short little blond girl going  50. Then 70. Then 65. then 50. Then 70. I was stuck with her until  almost Bellevue, when she finally moved over. I had to go 70 so I could make to work in an enough time to eat. About 2 miles from 79 she BLOWS by me in the left lane doing about 80.

THE SECOND SHE SAW THE (nearly vacant)79 MERGE POINT, SHE SLOWED TO 50!!!! And you must know, so did the car in front of me. I thought my head might explode. I got behind the bimbo, checked 79, the moment I could do so safely, I shot across on to 79 to get away from her. Coincidentally, she suddenly speed up.

The pattern repeated itself the whole way to work. Traffic cutting me off or suddenly slowing down in front of me. People driving SUVs, but freaking out at the little inch bump to enter the parking lot? I wanna smack them. Its an OFF ROAD VEHICLE for goodness sake!!

I flipped out in the car. I ate at work. I felt better. Then it was time to go home.

I must remember to always EAT before I leave for work.

The night drive wasn't as eventful, but still annoying.

• 279 was down to a single lane of SLOW (of course!!!) moving cars. Everyone had to gawk at the sign PennDot is taking apart for some reason.
• I saw a girl pop her trunk on the liberty bridge and have to pull over to close it. (amusing)
• One lane was closed on part of the bridge and in the entire outbound tunnel so that they could scrub the lights at the bridge *entrance* side. (which need it, but not as bad as the inbound does).
• I observed the drunk in front of me play chicken with the tiny cones for the length of the tunnel. Its a miracle he didn't smash into the tunnel or knock a cone over. He came DAMN close to doing both. Of course the cones would have hurt his car less.

At this point I am happy that I made it to and from work alive with my head intact. I survived. Barely.
I am also a little drunk now too. I am off the next 2 days. thank gawd.

I feel better now.


(still hate 4 square.)

Pittsburgh SnOMG!!!!

The links below are to the same pics, but if you prefer one over the other, I put both up. The Picasa site doesn't have all the captions though... I'll work on it. Right after it *doesn't* snow 6 more damn inches on Tuesday. I literally don't have any place else to put snow. The piles in my yard are nearly 5 1/2 foot high now. I'm afraid to throw my kid in the yard... I may lose her. (lol)


Public Facebook link:
SnOMG Feb 2010 Pictures

Picasa Link:
SnOMG Feb 2010 Pictures

Its the 4th worst storm in Pittsburgh history.
21.1 inches at Pittsburgh International. (which was closed for like 24 hrs. That NEVER happens)
20 inches in my yard.


Next 24 hours 'important' in city's efforts to clear streets

With nearly three decades of snow removal experience, Mr. Kaczorowski said this is the worst snow he has had to battle.

"This is the worst," he said after 36 hours on duty. "This is worse than '93."

This weekend's snowfall of 21.1 inches was, according to the National Weather Service, the fourth highest accumulation in Pittsburgh since 1876, when the agency began keeping records. The third biggest snowfall, with 25.3 inches, was March 12-14, 1993.

The difference between the 1993 blizzard and this one? This snowfall was wet and heavy, '93 was a dry snow. I hate this shit. It broke our shovel. It was a bitch to clear.
And there is more coming.
*headesk*

Asshole Drivers... n'stuff

First, I will cover the "n'stuff"
I'll call this "Stating the obvious."


From the Columnist Section of the PG:

WAIT!! Don't click it yet. I'll sum it all up in 2, yes 2 sentences and save you some time.

The defense has become epic fail, even more so with out Troy.
They LOST to Cleveland. DONE.

Now if you still want to read a full page column saying all that with more words? Go for it.

Ron Cook: Here's why Steelers failed



Second. Asshole Drivers? You really really piss me off.
Before I flip out, I will confess my driving habits just so we are all clear:

My disclaimer: I use my turn signals 99.5% of the time. I stop at red lights and stop signs 99% of the time. I do NOT drive slower than the speed limit if it is at all possible. And unless the highways are bad, my average speed is 65. I don't text and drive, sometimes I wont even answer my phone while driving. I don't cut people off. I don't tailgate. I try to be a safe driver. More so, because its been 6 years of riding the bus in to town and now I have a regular commute to Cranberry.

Clear? Good.

With the weather being bad you would think people would driver safer on the highways.
NO.
You would be wrong. I have been tailgated so close several times in the last 4 days that sometimes I can't see their headlights, or they were blinding me. I USE cruise control. I was going 65-70-- GET OFF MY ASS!!!
Some people would slow down as punishment for tailgating. but 930pm, on a dark highway alone... I got out of the damn way. Still It pisses me off.
Tonight, while in the passing lane, I passed an SUV. I was going 65. 10 min later this SUV is suddenly UP MY ASS out of nowhere. I don't know where he came from, but if it had been light outside, I would have slowed to 55. To prove a point.

The other thing that really gets me angry are the people who drive slower than the speed limit, f&%$ing up traffic all over the place, and then RUN A RED LIGHT!!

WHAT THE F&%K?!!? SRSLY??

How about if you drove 45 instead of 30, you wouldn't have to run the red light asshole! Running the light defeats the whole "I'm not in a hurry, so I will just go WAY slower than everyone else" tone you have set by going 10 miles hour UNDER the speed limit.
Assholes.

So we are clear, if you see an Impala rocking out to Lady Gaga on 79/279? Just leave me alone. K?

thx

What I learned...

I learned......
That I really really HATE protesters that destroy property- public and private- in the name of a "protest." I refuse to listen to a word your saying now. I have exactly NO respect for you. G-20 or not. I wish you assholes would go home and quit f&%$ing up the city. All the important people LEFT. Idiots. And Pitt Students- COME ON! You need to knock your shit off too. SRSLY.

I learned......
I fidget **endlessly** while sitting in a training room for like 8 hours a day. Really. I can NOT f&%$in sit still for more than 5 minutes. I get on my own nerves. But I can't help it. Sitting still and listening was never my strong suit. Show me and then let me do it.
If you didn't know, it turns I had to take Job B when they offered it to me because Job A called me with some bullshit about not being able to afford to hire new employees. I am pretty happy with Job B AKA New Employer at the moment. :-) I am glad Job A made my choice easier. I started monday which is why I have been MIA from twitter, blogging and facebook. Sorry about that, but the trainer frowns upon that while she tryin to teach some shit to us. lol

I learned......
That my internal clock really needs to adjust to me working again. I am still awake after 1:30am.... and I can't keep that up beyond this week. 1:30am is bedtime. Or I'll be a zombie.

I learned......
I really am a huge technology geek. And Technology can be complicated. And fun as hell. And damn addictive (read: blackberry). By mid next week, I will be carrying around two (what I call) "rent-a-phones" from New Employer, plus my own cell. That is damn ridiculous!! But I don't care. I don't care if I need a separate purse to carry my phones. Not one bit. Cause this is fun as hell.

Stubborn 2yr olds....

So, Saturday I was invited to a little thing at BurghBaby's Awesome new house. Yes, it is totally awesome. I baked some fresh zucchini bread, and after the kid took a nap, we (husband, kid and I) ventured out to her new place.

I confess I was nervous. These were mostly (I think) people I talk to on twitter, and I had never met anyone of them face to face. And I was bringing the Mistress of Destruction with me. Yeah. Nervous.

If adorable Alexis ever had a polar opposite - it was Julia on Saturday. Alexis seemed shy from all the people and kids. Julia, however, did not care. she dived right in to the play room with several other kids since we were the last to arrive. Tim settled in to keep an eye on her in the play room while I tried socialize. Its a little like being the new kid, striking up the conversation is the hardest part. I ventured downstairs and helped with peeling pizza dough off the wax paper (I held) and made small talk.
Not long after Julia came bursting out of the back door, my husband sends me a text "I cant find our kid" LOL. She played "park" and (sorta) with other kids.

But I know her. She finds trouble. It should be her middle name. My mom called me once to check on the splinter from hell situation, and i jinxed it all by saying julia was being pretty good...

I shadowed her the rest of the evening worried she would do something awful to BurghBaby's awesome house. Once she tried to go wandering around their 2nd floor. She climbed onto a water table (no water) and stuck her head through the kids sized basketball hoop. Twice. I am pretty sure she is partly responsible for the bomb that went off in the playroom.

The 2 worst moments of the evening went like this--
Moment # 1 was when she spotted the trampoline in the next yard. I had to chase after her and retrieve her from the damn thing. Immediately she brought out the child psych warfare. (It worked on her daddy in the dr's office once and this was the 3rd time recently she did this to me.) Julia began screaming stuff like: "ouch, it hurts, your hurting me" etc and crying. Loudly. All I was doing was herding her up the damn hill side. :-( I don't even want to think everyone there thought I was hurting her. But I pleaded silently for her to just go back to the party and she eventually did.

Later she discovered the trike in the basement and by the time I convinced her to come upstairs, everyone but 1 person had left. (of course) Finally at 9 came the 2nd moment. I had to make her leave. She wanted to be Alexis's new best friend and I don't think Alexis was feeling that at 9pm. I forewarned everyone still there. I knew what she would do. There is NOTHING I can do to stop it, but be MORE stubborn than her. (Just like the going to sleep in her bed thing. I won that round tonight, but that is another post)

Moment # 2 was when I forced her to leave. Practically tackling her, and picking her up and she screamed and cried right up to with in inches of the front door. I let her open the door. Then she left normally and we got in the car with out further incident. How is it, that ALL the other kids left with out a fight and my kid has to make a SCENE!!??

So, I am truly sorry for my little terrorist. I hope that I'll be invited back again despite my crazy ass kid. Next time, I'll wear a name tag that says "My twitter name is rantpittsburgh" on it.

Life Happens

Due to things that are beyond my control, for the next few days I will probably not be posting to the blog. I will be back soon, I promise. I just need to deal with some personal things right now.

Thanks

April Fools Joke on me.

April Fools started last night. About midnight when I needed to sit down at the pc to do my bills.

For those of you who don't know- I am barely over 5 foot tall. (which I am not happy about learning. I had deluded myself into thinking I was at least 5ft 2 until they measured me at the OB after I had Julia. Bitches.)

I have a big corner desk in my bedroom. I need the chair at the computer desk to be all the way up or its uncomfortable. Ok. I am at eye f*&%ing level with the keyboard when the chair is in its lowest position. Typing while trying not to knuckle myself in the face? Yeah, that makes for a very unhappy Angie.
So I sit down. And the chair... it drops with annoyingly jerk of a motion (and sound) 2 inches. It doesn't matter what I do when I raise it. And believe me, there has been some laughing done at my expense as my antics with this f*&%ing chair are observed. (it's not all the time)It sinks, and sinks and sinks, consistently dropping to the lowest position no mater what I do. Its over 10 years old and gets used pretty much every single day, I imagine the hydraulics are shot. Last night, I ended up with a dining room chair at the desk after blurting more profanities that a sailor.
By the time I did the bills, checked my email, chatted with a friend online. My ass HURT cause that chair is not *that* comfortable to sit in. I put the chair back in the dining room and went to bed. Where I proceeded to lay awake until after 3am. (thank you insomnia, you whore).

April Fools day continued at 600 am when Julia came down from her room crying and I placed her on the sofa with a pillow in her usual spot (don't ask) I decided to wait before getting in the shower so that she could fall back to sleep. My bitch ass cat ruined that when he scaled the entertainment center, knock pictures over so that he could look out THAT window. Instead of the other 4 he has access to. When I went flying into the living room to see what happened, Julia looked at me from the sofa and said "Mommy kitcat on window." And I *knew* where that furry bastard was at. Once I took care of that shit, it was shower time and Julia did not go back to bed until I left for work.

I have made it to lunch with out any further incidents. But the day is young and I have barely had 3 hours of sleep. We will see what happens.

As a reward for reading this: I promise to post some pics, love this church is returning (finally), and I have a strange sighting from a couple weeks ago.

The serious side of me

First, I want to apologize for not being my usual hilarious self. There is plenty of material in the news for me to blog about. I just haven't had the energy. I sent 2 posts to mobile blogger and guess what? Still not posted. I guess this shit is STILL not fixed. Damn it.

I'm totally pissed that it's March 12th and it was 26 degrees when I left for work this morning. I am sick of the cold. I am sick of winter.

Julia has continued to torture me at bedtime, although last night wasn't as bad as the previous nights, her failure to go to bed before 1130pm is very frustrating.

My stress levels have not been helped by work. Not even a little. I'm burnt out on answering questions like "It says 'next' do I click on 'next' or 'cancel'?" I want to say "hold your breath until the answer comes to you" but I can't. I am tired of the caller completely ignoring my questions when I am trying to help them. I hate when its a full moon, people act crazier.
I have other issues with work too... *sigh* Like hating the bat cave they moved me too. It's too dark because the lights are burnt out above my desk. I actually am worried there is not enough light for my plants. It's right on the busy walkway. Another coworker and I are several rows away from the rest of daylight people (our cube neighbors are all night shift) so this desk feels more like an exile than anything.

All this stress leads to me not being able to sleep. I can't seem to get more than 3 hours, which is just not enough. Once I do fall asleep, Julia wakes me up at 3-4 am for me to put her back to sleep on the sofa. So, I end up sleeping in and rushing around in the morning. Every muscle in my back and neck is so tense, it hurts, because I can't relax, because I'm stressed out beyond my ability to handle it.

See the vicious cycle here? I can tell you, but the time she goes to bed at night and I sit down to the check my email, I am not in a nice mood and I just want to be left alone.

To try an deal with all this, I actually pulled out the one book I ever finished writing and started editing it again as well as working on one I started but is still only in rough draft. But since I have really not had even an hour of *quiet time* to myself prior to 2am in almost the last 2 weeks, this is also not working.

So, sorry if I haven't amused you all recently. I promise I'll get back to normal. I hope it is soon.

In a effort to make this post useful. I recommend everyone read this article.
People Search Engines: Slam the Door on What Info They Can Collect