Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Odds N Ends

I know.... there is a list out there of non violent things that should get you sent straight to hell. I am pretty sure.... this is one of them:

Cops: Woman takes kneeling woman's cash in church

WESTBURY, N.Y. – Nassau County police said a congregant at a Long Island church disregarded at least one of its commandments: Thou shalt not steal. Police said the 46-year-old woman reached over a pew and took cash from a purse while its owner knelt Sunday at Our Lady of Hope Roman Catholic Church in Westbury. Police said an usher saw the theft, and officers stopped the woman as she left the church.

Police said they determined the same woman stole cash from another worshipper's purse while that victim took communion May 10.

The woman has been released on an appearance ticket after being arrested on petty larceny charges. She faces up to a year in jail if convicted.

Stealing in the church? Twice? Jez, that takes BALLS and stupidity. With sweet baby Jesus (shout out to will farrell) looking on, a church full of worshipers, ushers and clergy?
"When was your last confession?"
"2 weeks ago"
"Tell me your sins" or what ever it is they say... I'm not catholic.
"I just stole money from another lady's purse. "

I never thought Cheetos were dangerous. I am still trying to figure out how they became a weapon....

Couple accused of assault using Cheetos

SHELBYVILLE, Tenn. - Authorities say a Tennessee couple got into a fight using Cheetos.

The Bedford County Sheriff's Department say a 40-year-old man and 44-year-old woman became involved in a "verbal altercation." Somehow, the orange puffy snacks were used in the assault.

Deputies say they were charged with domestic assault. No one was hurt.

So, then HOW was someone assaulted with the damn Cheetos? I need to know. Cause if someone breaks into my house and all I have are Cheetos, I want to be able to whoop some criminal's ass with them. Damn it!
Here is the dumbest thief in Germany:

Thief nabbed selling stolen mower to owner

BERLIN (Reuters) – A thief in Germany was arrested after he tried to sell a garden mower online to the man he had stolen it from, police said Wednesday.

"The owner went to inspect the goods and recognized the mower as his own," said a spokesman for police in the southern town of Tuebingen. "Then he left and told police."

Officers confronted the 46-year-old suspect, who confessed to stealing the mower from a shed in February. He later put it for sale on internet auction site eBay, the spokesman said.

Note to self... don't sell stolen shit online and in the same area where YOU STOLE IT FROM.

To close out the month: The Worst Parent of the Month award goes too:

Woman pleads guilty in drunken breast-feeding case
GRAND FORKS, N.D. – A North Dakota woman accused of breast-feeding her 6-week-old baby while drunk has pleaded guilty to child neglect. Stacey Anvarinia, 36, could face up to five years in prison when she's sentenced on the felony charge in August.

Judge Sonja Clapp says Anvarinia will not have to register as an offender against children.

Police officers who responded to a domestic disturbance call at Anvarinia's home on April 13 say they saw an intoxicated Anvarinia breast feeding. Health officials say alcohol consumed by breast-feeding mothers can be absorbed into an infant's system.

Attorneys believe it's the first such case prosecuted in North Dakota
Wonderful. Some people need smacked in the head and their reproductive organs taken away She is one of them.

Friday, June 26, 2009

What I Love about Julia

I am sure to all the parents out there, I am not telling you things you haven't heard before. But Julia is my one and only and I am always in awe that I had a hand in creating this little girl. So, this is not a rant.

What I love about Julia is her imagination. The kid has no rules. Anything and be anything in her world and I find that so awesome. In her 2 1/2 year old mind there are no limits.

My favorite?

2 pennies apparently have a job and a car:

Yes, that is "monies car" and they indeed get in the car and "go work" Sometimes nickels and dimes get in on the action too. Its a hot car! lol

Foam bathtub letters and bath "craynons" have become birthday candles or snacks. Blocks have been drinks that she passes out to everyone in the room. Sweeper attachments are microphones that she sings into. Colored pencils are "cho-cho trains" My old compact is a phone.... I could go on... My point is that she absolutely doesn't let the object's actual form mean anything to her when it comes to pretend play. And I just think it is awesome.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Love This Church!

I think the church is on to me. I think they are following the blog.... Look at the Message this week:

Oh but I do! I totally mock *everything* when possible. I am a non conformist at heart. I don't fell right unless I am mocking something! It will surely send me to hell, but oh well. So, is this a case of the church watching me? Hmmm? Am I paranoid now too?
Is this referring to Jesus, God, the church or a combination of all of the above? If there is a Master... I will mock them. I promise! :-)

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Love This Church!

So, the title for this weeks sermon:

This inspired me to ask:

Ok... So, someone tell me, when is it? When does Jesus get pms and be all like "F you! I don't care!" I might have to attend this to find out. This seems like it would be really important information to have, right? I don't want to bother Jesus when he is in a don't care kind of mood, ya know. I don't want to be praying for something and its when he is in a bitchy ass moment and saw, "You know what, "I don't care if your in a burning house and your praying to get out"

And really... Is it like "No, I don't care about you praying for those stupid prada shoes" or is it "damn it, I am tired of you praying about everything under the sun! I don't CARE!"

Do you think he is like "oh Angie? No, i don't care if she makes fun of a church." (she is going to hell anyway)
I really want to know. Thoughts anyone?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Pirates = FAIL

The headline says this:

Pirates, Maholm have Metrodome misadventure
Twins romp, 8-2, on 14 hits off starter, key mishap in outfield

What it should say is this:

Pirates suck in epic fashion again. As usual.

"We've got to score more than two runs," Russell said.

"We keep saying it, but we need to swing the bats better," second baseman Freddy Sanchez said. "When we do, we're a pretty good team."

Really, and once the trading deadlines pass, you just go back to sucking again?

The numbers back that: When the Pirates score a mere four runs in a game, they are 24-8. When they do not, they are 6-28.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

WTF Brett?

You know what Brett? Here is a damn definition of the word "retire"


Pronunciation: \ri-ˈtī(-ə)r\
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): re·tired; re·tir·ing
Etymology:Middle French retirer, from re- + tirer to draw
to withdraw from one's position or occupation : conclude one's working or professional career.

That means you don't keep coming back you stupid shit. YOUR DONE. Damn it. Do I need to define "conclude" for you too? Huh??!! You don't retire from a team when you don't want to play for them anymore, dumb ass, you ask to be released from your f&%$ing contract!

Then I see this shit:

Favre's signing seems inevitable now

From now on, I refuse to acknowledge that he is still in football. He retired already. TWICE!!! If he signs with the vikings and we play them? I still wont talk about him. He will be "the player at quarterback." Moron who doesn't pronounce his own name right to begin with.


I missed the parade and couldn't take any pic's cause I was too exhausted from the weekend to do anything. I couldn't get out of bed Monday morning.... Stupid insomnia.

With out further delay:
Pascal Dupuis's New Tattoo from the PG Online:


WOOO!!! F*&%, You Detroit Whiners!!! How do YOU like watching another team win the Cup on your ice? HUH? Sucks doesn't it? HAHAHA!! Kiss my ass!! Your fans booed like crybabies. Your players acted like sore losers complaining about missed handshakes, when there are PICTURES proving you wrong (dumb ass zetterberg). And Marion Hossa? Screw you! Go find your next cup contender and Pittsburgh doesn't want you here.

2 Superbowls and a Stanley Cup? A girl can't get much happier. Screw the Pirates. Of course, I think they will get a parade if they can get a winning season together.

Friday, June 12, 2009

An open letter to idiots: Customer service edition

Dear Caller

Do me a HUGE favor? Please. When you are calling about a problem on your account- Actually have your account information. Things like ACCOUNT NUMBERS are very helpful. Also, KNOWING something about your account is helpful too. When you call, please don't be driving in the car, in the bathroom, dodging your boss, or a place you consider too public to answer my verification questions. Also, switchboard operators? Wait to call until your lunch, for goodness sake. Being put on hold 25 times in under a minute (in the words of burghbaby) makes me wanna spork you. If I wanted your user id, I would not have said Account number. If I wanted a withdrawal, I would not have said Deposit. So, please listen to the words coming out of my mouth. Damn it. Thank you.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Odds and Ends

***I found this post sitting in my Drafts folder from 3/26. I still think its funny, so I am posting it as-is. ***

Here is a headline you don't see everyday:

Wife of Pirates prospect arrested for kidnapping

Me: Hey look, the Pirates are in the news!

And proof that sometimes it's better to stay home and wack off to internet porn if your that hard up:
This is the *real* headline from MSNBC:

Man caught in vacuum sex act gets 90 days

A man police caught performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum has been sentenced to 90 days in prison. Jason Leroy Savage must also submit to drug testing.
And that's all I really want to know.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A piggy replaced.

Thank you Tystore. A new piggy has arrived. Julia is happy. An tonight I wont hear her begging me for it. :-) yay.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Open heart, insert knife.

I spent 3 hours after work, looking. Driving around, asking random people. There was no sign of them anywhere that Julia had been today. I even asked Julia. But at 2 1/2 years old she could only answer me back with my own question or say "I don't know." It had been too long and we missed the window of time where she could "go find it" now. What's missing you ask? Well, i have to explain from the top. When Julia was born we bought her a Snuggle.

This is Original Snuggle and NEVER EVER leaves our house.
I read in my "what to expect:toddler years" book, That you should have 2. An exact duplicate back up in case shit happens. So, a little more than a year ago, I decided that was a smart idea. However, when I went back to Target, they did not have an exact match- it was out of stock at the time. So, I bought what became known as "other snuggle" Julia began sleeping with both of them. I figured she had to get used to it since it wasn't a match, in case it ever had to fill in.
Around 9 months ago Julia got really into a farm book that had piggies in it. Oh, how she loves all things piggies. On a whim, I saw a beanie baby one in Rite Aid downtown and bought it for her. Piggie became a bedtime regular immediately. Other Snuggle became the traveler, going with Julia on overnight trips as well as nights at home. When home, she had to have all three to go to bed. Who am i to argue right?
For her 2nd birthday, I bought her a musical lamb:

Julia loved Lamb and it also became a bedtime requirement. I named them "the posse" : 2 snuggles, piggie and lamb. It was hilarious watching her with full arms carry all of them up and down the steps at once. We had to kiss, hug and tuck in all of them for "night-nights" with her in her bed. Ironically, 2 weeks ago, she asked me take pictures of them with my cell phone. They are her bedtime posse and she loves them all, I don't dare send her to bed with out all of them.

Except tonight.

Today. Other Snuggles and Piggie vanished.

Vanished while they were out on a road trip at another family member's house.

We went to target, searching for replacements. What is now known as New Snuggle- is totally not like either of the other 2. New snuggle seems to be cool with her. The piggy? well, its a pig. She liked it, not enough to take to bed though.

I knew what was coming. She wasn't upset earlier. But she wasn't on her way to bed either. There is still a dull ache in my chest. It was way worse earlier today. I put off bedtime. Letting her wait till the worst hockey game on the planet was almost over before sending her to bathe. I left her play in the tub till almost 11pm. I didn't take her up till 1120 or so.... I tried to slip a doggy in. I thought I was successful.

Till the lights went out.

She started asking. "where piggie?" "mommy, where piggie?"

"I don't know, Julia" "here is doggie, sleep with doggie tonight"

"you hold doggie"

Then, came then knife. Thank god it was dark. She spoke in a very quiet and pleading tone.

"please mommy, where piggie?" "Pretty please mommy. Can i have a piggie?" "mommy, please find piggie" "please?" "Pretty please get piggie mommy"

That was it. I lost it. Lost my composure.

Julia was so shocked at my outburst, she stopped asking about piggie and told me "don't cry" a few times. I told her I was sorry. I would buy her a new one. It was my fault it was missing. I calmed down so that she wouldn't start crying too. In a few min she fell asleep holding just the snuggles while laying against me. I left her room and went right to the computer and to TY's website. The price of never hearing that pleading again?

1 Sniffs - Beanie Baby 2.0: Item Price - $4.99
Shipping & Handling - $11.05

Grand Total - $16.04. It's worth every. single. penny.

It won't get here fast enough for me. I still have at least 2-3 nights of torture ahead of me.

Missing Stuffed Animal Report: Lost in Brentwood, (Pittsburgh) PA

1 beanie baby "Piggie" and 1 "other snuggles" If you have seen them- please let me know.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I hate you Pirate Management

(Vicious Rant to follow below)
This was the Headline in the PG on Feb 18th:

McLouth's contract caps Pirates' internal goal.

The Pirates surely have not made a splash in acquiring outside talent this offseason, but the three-year, $15.75 million contract they signed yesterday with center fielder Nate McLouth buoyantly capped management's goal of securing all three of its identified core players -- along with pitcher Paul Maholm and catcher Ryan Doumit -- into what would have been their free-agency years.

The most surprising of the signings, given all that led to it, was McLouth's.

He and the team agreed in the wee hours of yesterday morning on three guaranteed years plus a club option for 2012, with the following breakdown:

• $1.5 million signing bonus.

• Salaries of $2 million this season, $4.5 million next season and $6.5 million in 2011.

• Club option worth $10.65 million for 2012, with a buyout of $1.25 million.

• Escalator clauses that increase McLouth's salary the season after he makes any of three achievements: $200,000 for an All-Star appearance this year and next, $300,000 for one in 2011; $200,000 for a Gold Glove this year and next, $300,000 for one in 2011; $100,000 for a Silver Slugger this year and next, $150,000 for one in 2011.

Maximum value of the contract is $26.9 million and, unlike most of its kind, the bonuses appear reasonably attainable: McLouth, 27, is coming off a breakout 2008 in which he played in the All-Star Game, won a Gold Glove and batted .276 with 26 home runs, 94 RBIs and 23 steals.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

What size are you really?

Dear Ms Thang,

I saw you swaggering through town this morning. You stuck out like a sore thumb because everyone was dressed professionally and you... were not. Your jeans and top are cute. However... Did you actually look in a full length mirror today? I can see your failure of a belly ring. a very green bra, underwear and your tramp stamp. Why? Because although you may have looked *good* wearing that outfit in high school, you have put on a few pounds (like we all do) and need to do just 1 little thing. Buy the next size up. That's it. Buy an 8 instead of a 6. It will do WONDERS for your appearance. You wont look like a hawt mess, but actually, probably hawt. I promise. It will also go a long way towards helping me not go blind. Thanks.

Moral of the letter: just cause you can get it on, and button/zip it, doesn't mean you should.

Public Service Announcment

Every couple months I try to do what I call a public service announcement. Its a friendly and hopefully informative reminder to those online that what you see is not always what you get.

From MSNBC Red Tape Chronicles:
Red Tape: Why phishers love Facebook

Didn’t you know? Facebook is forever
‘Forgot your password?’ may be weakest linkFacebook ID theft targets 'friends'

And jez, From "Sometimes you should put the damn phone DOWN" files:

Holy Twitter! Tweeting from the pews

From Pc World:Facebook Updates: What Kind Do You Write?

These articles are some of the reasons why I don't do quizzes, "500 things about me you wish you still didn't know" notes or add just ANY application sent to me by another user. I am an equal opportunity ignorer (yes, I made that word up). I don't care about who the sender is at all. I promise. :-) I never did live journal or blog about deeply personal matters. I just like to keep some things... private.

I am online. I have been for years with various pages going back to Lycos and Tripod (remember them? then your old too hahaha). However, unlike some people out there, I don't reveal *every* single thing about my life. I don't find it that important to post a facebook status saying "I have to pee." "I have cramps" or other nonsense like this. (you know who you are Miss T.M.I.) I will unfollow you on twitter if there is nothing interesting said other than something like: "woke up. went to work" all the time. Don't be offended. I am trying to keep my twitter flow uncluttered.

I try to make posting worth while or interesting on facebook, twitter or this blog. I'm satisfied that maybe 30 people read my blog cause this is all for fun. And this is my place to say all the shit I want when I need to rant. So, if this post helps just 1 reader not fall victim to these dirtbags, then it is worth it.

Now back to your regularly scheduled ranting.

Monday, June 1, 2009

An open letter to idiots

Dear dumbass female library patron:

The line should not have to wind halfway thru the lobby because your standing 5 ft from the person in front of you. ATM distance is only needed at the atm or pharmacy. NOT the library. Especially since the person in front of you is still IN LINE! Oh by the way- i see all you did was return books. Your dumbass walked RIGHT past the book return counter. Which is 6 damn feet from the librarian! So you wasted space and my time today. Thanks moron.

WHO is following me???

I found this gem in my inbox tonight. I am f&%$ing speechless.

Hi, Angela Hartzell.
Pittsburgh Pirates (Pirates_News) is now following your updates on Twitter.
A little information about Pittsburgh Pirates:
62 updates
following 11 people

You may follow Pittsburgh Pirates as well by clicking on the "follow" button on their profile. You may also block Pittsburgh Pirates if you don't want them to follow you.
The Twitter Team
Your kidding me right? I swear to GOD, I have no clue why they would want to follow me. Maybe I should direct these idiots to the rant I posted about them.