Sunshine Personified

Tonight's 2am post is not a rant.... It about Secret Agent L
She also writes {with love from Pittsburgh}

I got to meet her and even got to snag a hug from her, like twice on Saturday night at her reveal party. It was awesome. Sorry, no pics posted here. I hate what I look like in pics. Esp after stuffing myself with good food and pms blah before going over to the Firehouse lounge.

I think I have a girl crush on Laura...

She is a constant ray of sunshine in my twitter feed, and is as beautiful on the outside as she is on the inside. I am glad to have met her. I am glad that she reached out to me when I was having self esteem crisis. I was astounded to see how happy she was to see me at her reveal when we had only been twitter friends a couple weeks.

I was also reminded that even in heels, I am barely 5 foot 4... and she is like 6 foot tall. I was worried that she might fall down when she was hugging me.

I had so much fun, seeing my friends, putting faces to those not met before, meeting new ones...

I am glad I went. She makes me want to be better at something in life. That's what I'm gonna try to do.

I have a headache....

I could rant about many things.... the parking bullshit, the bus bullshit that makes the parking shit worse, the bullshit of my wireless mouse not working.

I dont think it matters what I say.

Maybe it is the full moon making me so *off* right now. Maybe it is the lack of something I need. Maybe its just wanting to be heard, just wanting to say things that matter to someone.

I didnt start this blog because I wanted to be famous, or popular. I have no ads, no major clubs/networks on here, Its just me.

I just wanted to feel connected to something, To not be so disconnected from life so damn much. The last few months have been pretty shitty... with some highlights... As I try to find the path, or make my own. I just wonder if there is light at the end of the road. If I will ever find what I seek.

Yet here I am. Still slightly off. Out of sync with the world. Realizing at some point in this road, I started to really care if people read this... I know now I probably have less than 100 readers.

I have been blogging for almost 2 years. August 7 will be my 2 yr anniversary for this site. I will keep blogging. Even if only 3 people read it. It's really for me. 

I can't wait for my vacation in september. I wish I could afford a hotel for a week and take julia and just get away from *all* of life for a week. But, I'm not rich. So, maybe we will just go north for that week. I can sorta hide there. Right?

A Minor Rant

This about my car. I love my car, 2004 impala. Its fun to drive, responds well, handles well and has my favoritest feature ever invented, auto headlights... Even the turn signal lights are easy to change. I thank twitter for suggesting youtube to watch a video of how easy it was because they were probably sick of me complaining about the crazy blinking signal light on the dash every time i tried to make a left turn. That car makes sure you KNOW one of the lights is out....

I digress... It has one minor thing that annoys me, but is expensive to fix. Cars have these things called body control modules. They are parts on the computer that work things like power locks, cruise and other electrical stuff.
About 5 minutes after the main warranty was up the module that unlocks the doors started to act up. To replace the module it is like $300... I loathe to spend... maybe next year.
For the record, Chevy put only 1 key hole on the driver's side. Something that I did not pay attention to until the doors wouldn't unlock. When it gets hot, the car wont unlock with the buttons or when you put it in park. Period. Sometimes turning the AC on and splitting it between the dash and the floor gets it working again. Typically... you have to freeze yourself out though. With our latest heat streak the damn locks haven't worked in like a week. Even after sitting over night.
Its really annoying when you have a kid. I had to teach Julia how to unlock her door last year cause there is no key hole for her damn door. I am not rubber band girl with the ability to stretch from the drivers seat to the passenger rear seat to unlock it myself. Rolling the back window down is not always convenient either,

Well, magically Saturday, on my way to HelloSAL in that blazing heat, the shit started working. Apparently, if kept hot long enough, that bitch of a module will give up and say "damn is it HAWT in the 'burgh... I might as well work" and the locks have been working correctly ever since...

Maybe the car is worried I will search youtube for body control module replacement and try to do that myself too. Hmmm.... 

Wonder how long till it annoys the shit out of me again....

Your F&%$ing Kidding me, Right??

This is the headline.
(bp and their bullshit inspires uncensored F bombs)

Feds say Gulf seepage not from BP cap 'Not unlike an oil leak you might have in your car,' Allen says

SRSLY?? What the HELL!? How much oil is freaking leaking??? Don't you normally FIX your car's oil leak? Gawd I wish my car ran on something other than oil and gas right now. Apparently oil just leaks all over the damn ocean and nobody gives a shit.

There are two wells within two miles of BP's blowout off the Louisiana coast in the Gulf of Mexico. One has been abandoned and another is not in production. Around 27,000 abandoned wells in the Gulf aren't checked for leaks, an Associated Press investigation showed this month.

Here is the best Dumbass quote so far:

"Everything's looking good," Wells [BP VP] said. "The relief well is exactly where we want it. It's pointed in the right direction, and so we're feeling good about that."

Really?? Aren't you assholes the one drilling the damn thing?? Did you close your eyes and slam it in the ocean floor and fucking HOPE it was POINTED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION???  Do you NOT know exactly WHERE the broken fuckin well is? I mean COME ON already.

At a hearing in suburban New Orleans, one of the ill-fated rig's drilling supervisors told Coast Guard investigators that the rig's crew didn't stop drilling or properly notify regulators when a hydraulic leak was discovered in a critical safety device weeks before the blast. Well site leader Ronald Sepulvado testified that he and others aboard the rig believed the leak wouldn't prevent the device, called a blowout preventer, from functioning properly.

I hate BP, and Transocean. I can't believe they thought it was CHEAPER to ignore safeguards and rules. Was it really cheaper BP?? Was it all really worth it now?

You morons.

The Saturn From Hell (aka Epic Fail 4th of July)

The weekend started with my mom leaving her car at my house for me to use this weekend while she was away. (thats another story) When she dropped it off at my house, I was at work already. She informed me via text that the car had been "fixed" by the "mechanics" at Schuler's. I wasnt aware of anything be wrong with it... I had it just a few weeks ago and it was fine...

For the record... My moms car is a plastic toy Saturn Ion. (I drive an Impala. Every thing smaller feels like a toy.) When you press the gas, I SWEAR TO GOD her toy car says, "What? Are you talking to me? You want me to go? .... Oh OK." The instrument panel is in the center of the dash, which is the DUMBEST place ever. (Yes, I am looking at you too Mini Cooper) Anyway...

So, thru text messages, I find out the later that the car doesn't want to start and I might not want it. In hindsight... I shouldn't have taken it. Turned out the "mechanics" who "fixed" my moms car FORGOT TO PUT ALL THE PIECES BACK ON THE F&%$ing car. Srsly. I cant make this shit up. Some cover for some wires is missing under the hood. Supposedly it needed a fuel filter, and some miniture wildlife was supposedly storing miniature nuts in the miniature engine compartment. Right.... Schuler's = rip off.

The decision was made I would check it out before work Saturday morning. When I got to my house, I went down back and it took a couple tries, but the Toy started. I ran it to burger king on Brownsville road and back and it was fine. I decided it was ok and off to work I went with that thing. I was such a dumbass.
I beat the tiny gerbils to 65mpg to get a good run and get the cleaner thru the engine that had been poured in the gas tank the night before. It seemed fine. At lunch, I ran to target for shirts without holes and to giant eagle to get REAL cold medicine.  Each time, I coaxed the Toy back to life after 1 or 2 tries. Saturday night I was still way out of it with the cold, and instead of driving to Moraine at 1130 at night on dark back roads and risking it, I went back to moms. It took 4 tries to start the car. Going home seemed to be the best choice.

The original plan involved me spending the day at our camp in moraine w Julia and taking her swimming, relaxing and then heading back to Pittsburgh about 7 and watching the City fireworks.

Here is what really happened.

When I went to moms Saturday night, I had to unload the car since I decided not to go up till morning. I parked in on the street. Took the spare key out of the ignition and tossed it in my purse. Dug for house keys. Popped the trunk. As I was getting out, I shoved phones and keys in my pockets. I realized I had no real way to lock the car (no remote). So, I hit the lock button on the door. And got out. AND SHUT THE DOOR!! Locking myself out of the car. With my purse and work bag right on the seat.

Thank goodness my clothes bag was in the trunk. I invented new curse words for my mistake. I looked all over moms house for an extra key. I text her about my huge error. She was sleeping by then. Terrified someone would break into her car to steal my purse, I hardly slept all night, listening. In the morning, I finally got her on the phone. Spare key still nowhere to be found. I call my sister.

I LOVE MY SISTER. At 11am she was driving me to Moraine to get mom's keys. We get there, I get the key and decide it makes more sense to just bring Julia home because otherwise I would spend most of the day on the road. (remember that). Pack sister's car with kid and her stuff... head back to Pittsburgh. We get to moms, unload. Its now 230ish.

New plan is to take Julia to Moore Park Pool. Pool closes at 5:45.Then watch fireworks at Mt. Washington.

We change to our swimsuits. I realize Julia's suitcase is in Sister's car still. We head over there on our way to the pool. When I was given keys, it was never mentioned that sometimes mom has a problem with her key. (It has a chip in it and I have decided that chips in keys? SUCK.) At first the key wont go in, then it does and the car starts right up. I think, "SCORE!" Half way up Berry Street the car says. "Fuck you!" and stalls. I frantically start it, stop at Sister's, leave the car running and snatch the suitcase. Off to the pool. Its 3:30.

I get to the pool, park the car. Put it in park. The locks don't release. The key wont turn off. I must have looked insane yanking with all my might to turn the car off. In and out of park, neutral. Nothing worked. It would not shut off. Srsly. I called my mom, half out of my mind with frustration. Freaking out, I drive the car to my house, bust down the door w julia in tow.

THE CAR STILL WONT SHUT OFF.

We put it down back. Neighbors come over and I'm on the phone with mom (both of us freaking out), Julia is crying cause I promised her the pool. Finally, they pull a fuse and the engine dies. All the lights do not. That requires a battery pull for god's sake. You know where the damn battery is in that fuckin car?? THE TRUNK. Its now 415pm. Julia settles for her little pool. Eventually.
The key I used all weekend is needed cause the window was down and the trunk is closed. Now I have to go back to moms a house AGAIN. So, here I am in my car. Driving back to moms. Get the spare I was using. Pack all our stuff up, change out of my swimsuit cause its 440pm. I spend 10 minutes reflecting on how much of a fail this day has become.

Its 5pm when I get back. Day ruined. Baloney sandwiches and pasta salad is dinner. I put Thumblina on for Julia and try to rest for a bit now that I have spent ALL DAMN DAY in a car. I give up all other plans. We end up going to watch Dormont fireworks with neighbors and playing with sparklers. That part wasn't so bad. But I have never been so happy to see a day end.



The key is still stuck in the Toy. In the "on" position. It refuses to believe its in Park. We moved it so that the "mechanics" can come tow it Tuesday. The fuse still had to be pulled AGAIN cause the car did not shut off when the battery was disconnected. Srsly.

When Videos say it all for me...

I have 2 for you today... 


Not that I am advertising sprint... but rather android os... still this video is funny as shit. When the character starts saying why she wants and iPhone 4, I wanted to yell sarcastically "cause it has FOLDERS!!! oohhh"




I dont normally watch Rachel Maddow, mostly cause I forget... but I like her rants about those assholes at BP. They Suck. This link is from a reader...

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Introspection

To understand now, requires one to understand then. Evaluating 33 years of life is not easy. But that's what I have been doing.

My school years were spent almost a full year and a half younger than my classmates. This led to a lot of problems for a lot of years for me.

I learned at a young age that I feel things very deeply. I learned to protect my heart after it was hurt many many times.

I learned to be more mature than my age in effort to try and fit where I didn't. I never fit. Then I decided I didn't want to fit. Fuck everyone. I was different and I knew it. I had teenage rebellion... But it was a different kind. I rebelled against other teenagers. I didn't drink, smoke, sneak out of the house. I did stuff.... Just my way. On my terms.

But with my heart, I made the same mistakes again. It got me hurt again, in a different way. I shut down again.

After being held up at gun point twice in less than a year at 2 different jobs. I really shut down. Dropped out of college.Concentrated on working. Now when I look back, I see I stopped living life.
It was quiet and lonely for many years. Friends came and went. Soon I just gave up. Nobody got ME.

Something happened the year I turned 30. I also got pregnant. Something changed inside me. Maybe it was the hormones. The post baby depression that nearly consumed me after wards... But there was a change. I longed for understanding and passion and to LIVE. I thought, no, I know I found it. Suddenly I WANTED it. Needed it. I stopped living the "safe" path and discovered rebellion again. I rebelled against this notion that life is over once you have kids. I rebelled over this role I was expected to assume. "Work, Take care of child, house, Sleep & repeat" That post baby depression made me weak. It took long lonely months to come back from it. I didn't have the strength I did in high school to do what I needed to do. So I suffered.

There were times the suffering wasn't all consuming. Those times helped me grow again. A little at a time. My moments of light. That, none of it, was about rebellion. Then I lost my job last year. It was devastating. And then the pressure was unbearable. I got a new job. The pressure didn't let up. I couldn't function. So, I gave it 8 months.

And here I am. Fumbling around. Taking risks left and right like its nothing. One risk involved my heart again. So far... the jury is still out. But I am currently hurt.

I punished myself over and over for an extended period. (still do sometimes.) For what I viewed as my failures and flaws. My self esteem goes from good to dust. I feel invincible one day and ready to crumble the next. Personally, I should get a medal in personal torment. I am epically good at it. I am sure I know where the future could take me. But I am taking the biggest risk ever to find out. I'm hurt, but somehow I am still flinging myself forward into the unknown. I am scared. But I am not stopping. I am not giving up. I could end up alone. But I have reached a cross roads in life where I can walk either alone or be unhappy. I think I am OK with walking alone.

Because I get to be me. I hope that then... happiness will find me. Again.

I have to now balance life, work, being a good mother and finding happiness. I hurt people and pushed people away when I hated too. I hurt myself (metaphorically speaking) but its better to have tried, than to watch chance pass you by. I have let way too many of them do that already. I make sacrifices to cause as little disruption to my child as possible.

Instead of shutting down, I am trying to be more careful with my heart. I had to quiet it again. put away feelings so deep and rooted... I have to believe there is true love out there for everyone. That when it happens, its easy, it works. Just.. IS. I have seen it. It does exists.

I have to believe that even though I am different, there is someone out there different enough to love all of me.

We will see how this goes.