Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The Saturn From Hell (aka Epic Fail 4th of July)

The weekend started with my mom leaving her car at my house for me to use this weekend while she was away. (thats another story) When she dropped it off at my house, I was at work already. She informed me via text that the car had been "fixed" by the "mechanics" at Schuler's. I wasnt aware of anything be wrong with it... I had it just a few weeks ago and it was fine...

For the record... My moms car is a plastic toy Saturn Ion. (I drive an Impala. Every thing smaller feels like a toy.) When you press the gas, I SWEAR TO GOD her toy car says, "What? Are you talking to me? You want me to go? .... Oh OK." The instrument panel is in the center of the dash, which is the DUMBEST place ever. (Yes, I am looking at you too Mini Cooper) Anyway...

So, thru text messages, I find out the later that the car doesn't want to start and I might not want it. In hindsight... I shouldn't have taken it. Turned out the "mechanics" who "fixed" my moms car FORGOT TO PUT ALL THE PIECES BACK ON THE F&%$ing car. Srsly. I cant make this shit up. Some cover for some wires is missing under the hood. Supposedly it needed a fuel filter, and some miniture wildlife was supposedly storing miniature nuts in the miniature engine compartment. Right.... Schuler's = rip off.

The decision was made I would check it out before work Saturday morning. When I got to my house, I went down back and it took a couple tries, but the Toy started. I ran it to burger king on Brownsville road and back and it was fine. I decided it was ok and off to work I went with that thing. I was such a dumbass.
I beat the tiny gerbils to 65mpg to get a good run and get the cleaner thru the engine that had been poured in the gas tank the night before. It seemed fine. At lunch, I ran to target for shirts without holes and to giant eagle to get REAL cold medicine.  Each time, I coaxed the Toy back to life after 1 or 2 tries. Saturday night I was still way out of it with the cold, and instead of driving to Moraine at 1130 at night on dark back roads and risking it, I went back to moms. It took 4 tries to start the car. Going home seemed to be the best choice.

The original plan involved me spending the day at our camp in moraine w Julia and taking her swimming, relaxing and then heading back to Pittsburgh about 7 and watching the City fireworks.

Here is what really happened.

When I went to moms Saturday night, I had to unload the car since I decided not to go up till morning. I parked in on the street. Took the spare key out of the ignition and tossed it in my purse. Dug for house keys. Popped the trunk. As I was getting out, I shoved phones and keys in my pockets. I realized I had no real way to lock the car (no remote). So, I hit the lock button on the door. And got out. AND SHUT THE DOOR!! Locking myself out of the car. With my purse and work bag right on the seat.

Thank goodness my clothes bag was in the trunk. I invented new curse words for my mistake. I looked all over moms house for an extra key. I text her about my huge error. She was sleeping by then. Terrified someone would break into her car to steal my purse, I hardly slept all night, listening. In the morning, I finally got her on the phone. Spare key still nowhere to be found. I call my sister.

I LOVE MY SISTER. At 11am she was driving me to Moraine to get mom's keys. We get there, I get the key and decide it makes more sense to just bring Julia home because otherwise I would spend most of the day on the road. (remember that). Pack sister's car with kid and her stuff... head back to Pittsburgh. We get to moms, unload. Its now 230ish.

New plan is to take Julia to Moore Park Pool. Pool closes at 5:45.Then watch fireworks at Mt. Washington.

We change to our swimsuits. I realize Julia's suitcase is in Sister's car still. We head over there on our way to the pool. When I was given keys, it was never mentioned that sometimes mom has a problem with her key. (It has a chip in it and I have decided that chips in keys? SUCK.) At first the key wont go in, then it does and the car starts right up. I think, "SCORE!" Half way up Berry Street the car says. "Fuck you!" and stalls. I frantically start it, stop at Sister's, leave the car running and snatch the suitcase. Off to the pool. Its 3:30.

I get to the pool, park the car. Put it in park. The locks don't release. The key wont turn off. I must have looked insane yanking with all my might to turn the car off. In and out of park, neutral. Nothing worked. It would not shut off. Srsly. I called my mom, half out of my mind with frustration. Freaking out, I drive the car to my house, bust down the door w julia in tow.


We put it down back. Neighbors come over and I'm on the phone with mom (both of us freaking out), Julia is crying cause I promised her the pool. Finally, they pull a fuse and the engine dies. All the lights do not. That requires a battery pull for god's sake. You know where the damn battery is in that fuckin car?? THE TRUNK. Its now 415pm. Julia settles for her little pool. Eventually.
The key I used all weekend is needed cause the window was down and the trunk is closed. Now I have to go back to moms a house AGAIN. So, here I am in my car. Driving back to moms. Get the spare I was using. Pack all our stuff up, change out of my swimsuit cause its 440pm. I spend 10 minutes reflecting on how much of a fail this day has become.

Its 5pm when I get back. Day ruined. Baloney sandwiches and pasta salad is dinner. I put Thumblina on for Julia and try to rest for a bit now that I have spent ALL DAMN DAY in a car. I give up all other plans. We end up going to watch Dormont fireworks with neighbors and playing with sparklers. That part wasn't so bad. But I have never been so happy to see a day end.

The key is still stuck in the Toy. In the "on" position. It refuses to believe its in Park. We moved it so that the "mechanics" can come tow it Tuesday. The fuse still had to be pulled AGAIN cause the car did not shut off when the battery was disconnected. Srsly.

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